Friday, October 16, 2009

Sex Without Intimacy and Intimacy Without Sex

Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand
and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life
by Kevin B. Burk

We no longer feel the social pressure to confine sex to
committed relationships. In fact, we're free to explore our
sexuality with just about anyone we like. Sex is now an
accepted recreational activity. What we often don't realize,
however, is that even casual, recreational sex still
involves intimacy. We may have overcome our fear and shame
about sex, but many of us still have issues regarding
intimacy. If we experience more intimacy than we can handle,
we will feel threatened; our safety checklist will be
triggered. No matter how "safe" we make sex, sex may not be
safe to us.

When we experience an orgasm, we reveal ourselves more
completely and more honestly than at any other time. We let
our egos die for a moment, and we have the chance to
experience a true connection with another person. Then the
ego comes back into the picture, and we're hit with the fear
of separation, and all of our old patterns. If we don't have
enough trust or enough safety, we will feel threatened,
guilty, and generally unsafe. No matter how much society's
beliefs about sex have evolved in our lifetime, our core
conditioning tells us that there's no such thing as
no-strings sex. We still equate sex with love, and love with
commitment. And we equate love and commitment with
vulnerability, responsibility, and the fear that our needs
will not be met.

Sex is very easy to come by in today's society. What most of

us crave, however, is not sex, but intimacy. The challenge
is that the only model most of us have for expressing or
experiencing intimacy is sex. Intimacy requires trust, and
trust takes time. It's very difficult to experience true
intimacy through casual sex.

The level of intimacy we experience through sex can be
threatening to many of us, particularly if the sex occurs
early in the relationship. Safety is essential in the early
stages of a relationship--even the smallest safety violation
can mark the end of a budding romance. As we get to know our
partners over time, we create a foundation of trust and
familiarity. We can keep minor safety violations in
perspective. This is not the case when we have truly casual
sex with someone.

When we become sexual with a person we've just met, even the
smallest safety violation will be enough to stop our getting
to know each other. One of the challenges is that it's not
usually appropriate or possible to have a Relationship
Definition Talk with a person we've known less than six
hours. There is no real relationship to discuss. While we
both may have wanted to pursue a romantic relationship
before we had sex, we often find we're less interested the
next morning, because we feel unsafe. We experienced too
much intimacy too quickly, and we need to create some
distance, some space, and to put up some walls so that we
can recover. These walls, however, block the emotional and
spiritual connections we experienced that made us want to
get to know each other in the first place. Since we don't
really know our partner, we wonder if there was ever a
genuine connection between us. We often end up with the
awkward "morning after" where one of us promises to call the
other, and neither of us believes the phone will actually

Two popular television shows demonstrate our current
approaches to sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex.


HBO's television series, "Sex and the City," follows the
loves and lives of four single women living in New York
City. The show has become a cultural touchstone because it
explores sexuality from the woman's point of view in frank,
funny, and honest ways. The four main characters are smart,
independent, decent, professional, attractive women. They
each have a different approach to sex, love and
relationships, and between them they cover a broad spectrum
of expectations and attitudes towards sex. The main
characters have become so much a part of popular culture
that many women use them as reference points to describe
their own patterns and feelings about sex. So do many gay

For those of you not familiar with the series (and even for
those of us who are), I'll provide a brief description of
each of the main characters to illustrate their attitudes

towards sex.


Samantha Jones takes the most stereotypically male approach
to sex. She truly enjoys sex, and for the most part, she's
content to have a healthy sex life with multiple partners.
She has no guilt or shame associated with sex. Sex for
Samantha does not require any kind of emotional commitment,
nor does it imply any kind of relationship. She enjoys sex
for the sake of sex. Samantha is largely self-sufficient,
and is able to meet her validation needs through her close
friendships. Although Samantha had three significant
romantic relationships during the run of the show (including
a lesbian relationship), she has never set out to find a


Carrie Bradshaw has a healthy appreciation for casual sex as
well. Carrie, however, is looking for something more than
just sex--she is looking for a relationship. While Carrie is
less likely than Samantha to simply hook up with an
attractive stranger, she doesn't need to feel like she's in
a committed relationship before she will have sex. Sex is a
part of casual dating for Carrie.


Miranda Hobbes is more interested in finding a romantic
relationship than she admits. For Miranda, sex is more than
just sex--it implies some kind of commitment, and requires
some kind of emotional connection. The few times Miranda has
indulged in strictly casual sex, she's been disappointed.
Miranda needs to feel that sex is a part of a
relationship--and she has, in the past, used sex as a way to
try to initiate a relationship. Once she has sex with
someone, she immediately begins to see him as a potential
long-term romantic partner.


If Samantha is the most stereotypically masculine in her
approach to sex, Charlotte York is the most stereotypically
feminine. Although she doesn't like to admit it, Charlotte
is uncomfortable with the idea of casual sex. For Charlotte,
sex should only be part of a committed relationship.
Charlotte sets the most boundaries with respect to her sex
life--how far she's willing to go sexually has a direct
relation to how strong a commitment she receives from her
partner. Of course this did backfire on her--she made her
first husband wait until they were married before she would
have sex with him, and then discovered that he couldn't.


"Sex and the City" mainly focuses on sex. If we want to find
a model for an intimate relationship, we have to look to
another popular television show: "Will & Grace." Will Truman
and Grace Adler share a tremendous amount of love, trust and
intimacy in their relationship. They validate and support
each other, and they share the kind of emotional connections
that most of us truly crave in our lives. Ironically, the
only reason that they manage to do this is that sex can
never be a part of their relationship, since Will is gay.
Women and gay men have always shared a special bond. In many
ways, relationships between women and gay men are the only
ones where we can experience true intimacy without involving

But sex and intimacy are still connected. The more intimate
we become with someone, the more important it will be that
we are able to express that intimacy through sex. Our
objective in our romantic relationships is to feel loved.
Ultimately, love involves a balance of sex and intimacy. But
for many of us, the choice seems to be either having
intimacy without sex, or sex without intimacy. We've all but
forgotten how to combine the two.

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Try and find out what is the focus point of the website.
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• Build the website.
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• Go register a domain for your website, find a host and even upload the website to that specified domain.

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After the content has been thoroughly checked and edited, it is the time to look for the precise visual conveyance of the website, and what would best suit the target, and what is most captivating and striking. Once the website is completed, it is the stage where which you would need to assess the content and adjust the content accordingly at that time, so as not to leave room for mistakes later down the line.

The last step is to then go and register a domain for yourself, upload your website to the internet and then begin the grueling and tedious adventures of search engine optimization for your website.

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save marriage

"How do I save my marriage from divorce?" This is a question that many people ask themselves when they see multiple problems in their marriage despite still being in love with their spouse. According to governmental and health statistics, 50 percent of all marriages will end in divorce. Obviously, being in love isn't enough to keep marriages going. How can you save your marriage from divorce during troubled times? Follow these helpful six tips below to see your marriage through.

Tip 1 - Listen To The Meaning Behind Words In Arguments

Whenever you and your spouse are arguing (loudly), try to remember that the words said are typically done out of anger and spite. Your spouse will do everything possible to hurt you as bad as they are hurting. They may say something about the relationship although the real issue is something entirely different. When you realize that most arguments come from bad feelings, you need to work past them and fix the "actual" problems.

Tip 2 - Apologize To Your Spouse

When a couple fights, many hurtful things get said... most of which weren't even meant to be said or come out. As soon as you and your spouse calm down, apologize. You should apologize first even if you're in the right for the issue that you are fighting about. After all, you come out the better person for it. Make sure you mean your apology above all else. If you don't mean it, then what's the point of saying it?

Tip 3 - Don't Change To Please Your Spouse

Many people make the mistake when trying to save their marriage to change to whom they think their spouse wants them to be. This is actually the worst thing a person can do. You may need to make changes but make sure you do them for yourself and no one else. Any changes made for someone else isn't being true to yourself.

Tip 4 - Don't Take Each Other For Granted

Couples often take each other for granted. Make sure you let your spouse now how much you care for them and respect them. Let them know that you think they are doing a good job. Notice new things about them; things you know will make them feel good about themselves (and you).

Tip 5 - Spend Time Together and Apart

Everyone needs time away from other people; this is also true for couples. Marriage doesn't mean you need to be together all the time. Make sure to spend quality time together but then spend time apart. Each of you should do things you enjoy doing separately. If you like to go hang out with your friends, go ahead and do it. If your spouse wants to go to the movies alone, let them do so. Remember time apart is healthy. However, you still need to spend time together so do things you both enjoy.

Tip 6 - Give Your Spouse Respect

Each person in a relationship has a part to play so make sure to share the responsibilities equally. When one person is doing all the household chores and holding down a full-time job too, they're going to feel taken advantage of. Eventually they will succumb to the stress. Divide up the chores; if you cook then your spouse should clean the dishes. One person cannot keep the marriage afloat by himself or herself.

Stop asking, "How do I save my marriage from divorce" and use the six tips above to help you bridge the gap between you and your mate, thus allowing you to move past any hurtful feelings.

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